It has been an amazing week since I posted “Big Girl Panties.”
One of my last lines in my post read, “C” also stands for courage. Today mine is back. Thank you Big Girl Panties.”
My courage has been back all week. My energy has increased tenfold. My clarity, focus, drive and excitement about officially opening my business on October 1 has been spot on. ”C” also stands for cathartic. Writing that blog post allowed me to just get everything that was in my head and living in my cells, out. Gone. It cleared the deck and gave me a clean slate. A place to start fresh.
This felt like it was overnight, but it really wasn’t. Spirit has been working on me for several weeks now. I was brought into the dark night of the soul in order to get to the other side. In the month of August, it seemed that every day just kept darker and heavier. God was putting the weight on my shoulders to bring me to my knees. I do a lot of praying and a lot of talking to God, but I am not very good at letting go and surrendering. I pray, release and take it back. That blog post brought me to the point of surrender. It was incredibly cathartic and just what I needed to move forward.
Back to Courage…this is a word that has gotten me through so much especially since 2010. In November 2010, my friend Sally and I went to Stanford Cancer Center for a second opinion. While there, we went into a gift shop where I found a black leather bracelet with a sterling silver plate that said courage. It resonated to my cells when I picked it up. I had to have it. I knew that to get through what was ahead of me – chemotherapy – I was going to need to muster up a lot of courage because I was so scared. Scared of dying, scared of leaving my husband alone, scared period.
I wore this bracelet EVERY day without fail. I even wore it to bed. I only took it off to take a shower.
In August of last year, I lost it. Although I was sad, I knew in my heart that whoever found it needed it more than I did at that point. I was through the worst.
Yet, I have never stopped looking for a new courage bracelet. It was a quiet reminder to stay strong no matter what came my way.
I have even considered getting a small tattoo on the back side of my wrist with the word “courage,” but I can’t muster up enough courage to let someone put needles in my arm with ink in them.
A few months back, my husband called the Stanford gift shop to ask if they had more. They had ones with “believe” on it, but no “courage.” I was so touched by his gesture. He told me that I mention it every time we go into a gift shop.
I decided to go on Etsy to see what I could find. I found a couple bracelets for practically nothing. They were so inexpensive I bought them. One has a cross on it and it is even more special than my original one. It reminds me that God has this under control.
Then when my husband and I were in Ocean City, NJ a few weeks ago, we spied a henna tattoo shop.
Yup, you guessed it. I got a “courage” tattoo on my wrist. I LOVE IT! It is much bigger than I would really want, but it is such a great reminder. Even though the Henna tattoo will fade and my courage may come and go, I know that with the help of my family and friends lifting me up, it will return.
Jeff and I always ask each other at the end of an outing what was our favorite moment of the day. Jeff replied, ” Standing outside the henna tattoo shop watching you in the window getting your tattoo with the biggest smile on your face and a line of kids behind you waiting for their Spongebob and Superman tattoos.” I laughed and asked why would this be his favorite moment. He said, “Because you were the happiest I have seen you in a very long time.”
When he asked my favorite moment, I replied, “Hearing yours and remembering just how much I love you. Thank you for another great day together.”
Here’s my tattoo and one of my bracelets: